[an error occurred while processing this directive]

King of the Road

by Bryan A. Thompson

Unfinished, As of 11/14/2001


[Warning: There's a cuss word or two in here if you read closely. If you're offended by that, go away, you wouldn't get it, anyway. If you're not mature enough to not get caught giggling in class because of them, you, too, should go away. Bryan]]


<Jerry's apartment, Jerry and Elaine waiting for the Ms. America pageant to start>

Elaine: "Ooh, I think it's starting! Jerry, get in here."

Jerry: "The Jiffy Pop isn't finished yet. They say shake vigorously for five minutes for a reason, Elaine. We can't just stop midpop! C'mon, we've come so far."

Elaine: "I'm sure it's almost done, and besides, you always burn it."

Jerry: "You mean that's not how it's supposed to taste? I always thought that movie popcorn was a little rare."

Elaine: "If by rare you mean 'not charcoal,' then yes, it is. Besides, I kinda like mine rare."

Jerry: "Are you making fun of my cooking?"

Elaine: <Sarcastically> "You can't be expected to hunt, gather and cook, I guess. It's just that cooking is a woman's job, honey. Now get in here and mindlessly stare at the chickies with me."

Jerry: "Because I'd like to think I could manage a simple thing like cooking, sister, don't think I couldn't."

Elaine: "I know you would, honey, it was that kind of thinking that led to the concept of dining out. Hehehe."

Jerry: "I don't know why you want to watch this anyway. I thought you said the only purposes these things had was to exploit women and sell Diet Coke."

Elaine: "And I stand by that. So what?"

Jerry: "Then why the change, thinking about switching teams?"

Elaine: <Elbows Jerry> "You *wish*. Once and for all, I am *not* a lesbian."

Jerry: "You don't have to be a lesbian to - uh - be *with* one."

Elaine: <Elbows Jerry harder> "Drop it. I have to watch the little tramps as marketing research for a new book I'm putting together."

Jerry: "Now there's a tough gig. Excuse me - *You're* putting a book together. You're getting paid for this?"

Elaine: "In a way. I get royalties."

Jerry: "Oh, so you're keeping your day job, then."

<Enter Kramer>

Kramer: "Oh, hey, you guys. I don't want to interrupt..."

<Kramer starts to leave>

Elaine: "It's okay, we're just watching TV."

Kramer: "So you are. Usually you're - you're"

Elaine: "Well, we're *not*."

Kramer: "Jerry, is that right?"

Jerry: "Well, I don't know how right it is, but *we're not*."

Kramer: "She finally switch teams?"

Jerry: "Uh, Kramer, that's kind of a sensitive topic-"

<Elaine gets up, goes across the room and smacks Kramer in the shoulder>

Kramer: "Ow!"

Elaine: "Big baby!"

Kramer: "Going butch, eh?"

Elaine: "That isn't funny."

Jerry: "I thought it was. Good one, Kramer."

Elaine: "Exactly how long would you like what you're not doing right now to last?"

Jerry: "I'm sorry."

Elaine: "You gonna let me watch this in peace, or am I going to have to go to Circuit City and watch it, like the last time?"

Kramer: "They let you do that?"

Elaine: "Yeah, but I just have to let them think I'm a lesbian. In fact, I'm pretty popular when people think I'm one."

Jerry: "Your polls really go up, eh?"

Kramer: "Probably not the only ones..."

Elaine: "Just drop it!"

Jerry: "Sorry."

Kramer: "Sorry."

Elaine: "I don't give a rats' ass how sorry you are, just shut up!"

Jerry: "You don't have to get snippy, we're in a commercial."

Elaine: "We?"

Jerry: "Showbiz talk, babe."

Kramer: "Ow! Who made this popcorn?"

Elaine: "Jerry."

Kramer: "I think I broke a tooth on a kernel!"

Jerry: "She made me pop it rare! It was her fault!"

Elaine: "What are you, like *six*?"

Jerry: "Well, I don't like to brag, but I've never had any complaints before..."

Elaine: "You're obviously not counting last Thursday when -"

Jerry: "Are you sure it was last Thursday? I thought it was Friday."

Elaine: "It's always Thursday, you idiot! Everything we do is on Thursday! It's always Thursday, and it'll always *be* Thursday."

<Kramer drinks from a bottle of water>

Kramer: "Ow! Thanks a lot, Elaine."

Elaine: "You know, nobody told you to eat that. <Pause> Lots of us like it rare!"

Kramer: "I'm headed over to Tim Watley's place - anyone want to come with me?"

Jerry: "The only thing worse than going to the dentist is going with a friend. All that drilling and screaming - "

Elaine: "Screaming and smoking - "

Jerry: "I'm freaking out just thinking about it."

Kramer: "So that's a 'no'?"

Elaine: "That's a double 'no.' It was your fault, you doofus. Deal with it."

Kramer: "That's just nice. You invite me over for an evening of popcorn and movies, I break my tooth on your raw popcorn, so now I require immediate medical attention, and you won't even help me into a cab? Some friends *you* are.Yeahhhhh!"

Jerry: "Look, the commercial is over, and as far as you requiring immediate medical attention, I've gotta tell you - I've felt that you needed a *little help* for years now. So if you're going to continue to bother us, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Kramer: "Now you're throwing me out?"

<Gets up and starts to push Kramer out the door>

Jerry: "Yes, yes I am. I mean, yes, we are."

Elaine: "Thank you."

Jerry: "I can assure you, it was my pleasure. How is *this* research, anyway?"

Elaine: "I'm studying the spelling-challenged."

Jerry: "How's that?"


Jerry: <Pressing the intercom button> "Yeah."

George: "Yeah."

Elaine: "Shit. This is just what I need. That idiot."

Jerry: "Before I let you up, you don't have any new lesbian jokes, do you?"

George: "What? No, I don't think so. What is this, anyway? Am I on Candid Camera? <Becoming angry George> Because I'm not signing any releases, Funt!"

Jerry: <to George> "I'll explain later. 'Mon up."

Jerry: <to Elaine> "I thought he died."

Elaine: "I wish."

Jerry: "I meant Alan Funt."

Elaine: "Who cares about him?"

Jerry: "Too late - I just buzzed him up."

Elaine: "You should do what I do when I don't want someone up - fake it."

Jerry: "Fake what?"

Elaine: "Tell him the buzzer is broken. Works for me."

Jerry: "You have more practice at it, I guess. I told you - it's too late."

Elaine: "You know what he's going to think. He's going to walk in and think the same thing that you and Kramer did. Only now you put the idea into his head."

Jerry: "That's the trouble with you lesbians - you're all paranoid."

Elaine: "You know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad...you know of course what this means for you and - him."

Jerry: "Ah, you'll switch back - they always do."

George: "Hey."

Jerry: "Hey."

Elaine: "Shut up."

George: <Calmly> "Alright, but I don't think you're being fair."

Jerry: "So'd you get the present yet?"

George: "Nah. Can't decide what to get someone that I've known for two weeks."

Elaine: <to George> "Excuse me! What part of 'Shut up' did you *not* understand."

George: "Sorry! I thought that it was OK to talk since you let him."

Elaine: "There was a commercial on. Besides, he gave me free popcorn."

George: "I don't have any popcorn."

Elaine: "Then why are you still talking?"

George: "I have candy corn."

Elaine: "You keep candy corn in your pocket? Eeew. I don't want that, it's covered with crap! How about gum? Do you have gum?"

George: "Elaine, I need your help."

Elaine: "George, I need silence."

George: "Who eats gum after eating popcorn? What kind of person is it that decides that the hulls and the grease are a normal part of the gum-chewing process? Is that what you want? You want crunchy greasy gum, Elaine? Because that's what you'll have!"

Elaine: "Beats whatever went through the laundry in your pocket last."

George: "What, do you have a monopoly on talking now?"

Elaine: "Yes. And the commercial is over. Shut up now, or I'm kicking your ass! I'll *do* it."

Jerry: <In a whisper> "Shut up, man, she'll do it."

Elaine: "That isn't *not* talking, now, is it?"

Jerry: <Sticks a tape in the VCR and presses record> "There, your highness, now you won't miss another single one of your little tramps."

Elaine: "Can I still have the quiet?"

Jerry: "You want quiet, go to the library."

Elaine: <pointing to George> "Well, if you want - Hey! Why doesn't he go to the library?"

George: "I don't know where the hell it is. Been looking for it for seven years, trying to return a book, and I can't find it. They keep sending me those 'Overdue' cards, the fines are up to like a hundred dolldars, but they never put a return address on them."

Elaine: "You found it once, didn't you? Go back there and ask them."

George: "Perhaps you didn't understand - it's been seven years, Elaine!"

Elaine: "What, did they move?"

George: "Might have! Maybe that's why I can't find it."

Elaine: "Take a cab."

George: "I don't know the address to tell the cab driver."

Elaine: "Maybe, just maybe, the *cab driver* will know where it is!"

George: "They don't speak English, most of them."

Jerry: "You're saying that it's like playing Kazhikstani roulette?"

Elaine: "What do you mean, you don't know the address? The address *is* 'The Library'."

George: "Alright, alright, so what do I do about the other?"

Elaine: "The other what?"

George: "I've been dating this girl for like two weeks, and her birthday is in two days, and I have *absolutely* no idea what to get her."

Elaine: "What's her name."

George: "Kimberly. What difference does that make to what I get her?"

Elaine: "Sometimes you can tell what a person would like by her name."

Jerry: "Oh, *please*! You can't tell what someone likes just by their name. All people named Jerry don't like Superman pajamas. All people named George didn't get picked on at recess."

George: "Actually, we did."

Elaine: "All of you?"

George: "Every last one."

Jerry: "My mistake."

George: "My parents let you name me?"

Jerry: "What?"

George: "You said, 'My mistake,' like my parents let you name me George."

Jerry: "How old was I when they named you?"

George: "We're - we're about the same age, aren't we?"

Jerry: "Yes, we are. Very good. Now - when did we meet?"

George: "In - in second grade?"

Jerry: "Right again. So tell me, Biff, what do you think the odds are that your parents let me name you George?"

George: "I think we should be quiet - Elaine is trying to watch the thing."

Elaine: "No, go ahead, this is better than TV. Answer him."

George: "That probably wasn't what you were talking about, then, was it?"

Jerry: "That's three in a row. Color us impressed."

George: "So what were you talking about, if not the name?"

Jerry: "Uh -"

Elaine: "Yeah, what was your point, smartass?"

Jerry: "Okay, you got me there, but I still say it wasn't my fault."

George: "So what am I going to get Kimberly. Elaine - you've dated like a thousand different guys, one of those was bound to be around your birthday - what did you get?"

Elaine: "Okay, first of all, just let me say, 'screw you.' Second, why don't you just check with her last boyfriend? That's what women do when we want to know something about a new boyfriend."

Jerry: "That might work with women, but guys are *way* too jealous for that to *ever* work."

George: "George tried it once. The guy punched me in the stomach and told me to get the hell off his lawn. George won't be doing that again."

Elaine: "Maybe you could get her roller-blades. I'd like that."

George: "I can't do that - roller blading is a couples thing. You see 'em all the time in Central Park. I'd make it a block and end up stuck upside down in a trash can - or worse!"

Jerry: "What's worse than that?"

George: "Making it half-way, *then* upside down in a trash can. Someone would come along while I was incapacitated and steal the skates, and I'd have to walk back in my stockingfeet, over all that broken glass. I couldn't run from a mugger - "

Jerry: "Yeah, 'cause with *shoes*, you could get away."

George: "Exactly."

Elaine: "Wow! You've really given some thought to this, haven't you?"

George: "Rucurring nightmare number 17."

Jerry: "I thought that was number 12."

George: "Twelve is the one where I'm back in college, and I haven't been to class for like all semester, and I know that I've got a test coming up, and all my books are in my locker, and I can't remember the combination, and then I try to find the office, I keep getting lost and ending up in gym class."

Elaine: "You had a locker in college?"

George: "When was the last time that you had a nightmare that made sense?"

Elaine: "Right now. This is one right here. I'm trapped in it, powerless to leave, and yet - it's exactly like normal."

Jerry: "If that's twelve, what was number three?"

George: "Burning pan of grease, fire engine stuck on the railroad tracks, out of gas."

Jerry: "That's right. I always get those two mixed up."

Elaine: "What are you, his psychologist? Hey! That's it! Get her a book of gift certificates to a good shrink - she ought to be able to use that after two whole weeks with you."

George: "They do that?"

Elaine: "What?"

George: "The gift certificates? Really? They do that?"

Elaine: "I'm sure there must be someplace like "Fast Food For Thought" out there that'd be perfect for you."

George: "Maybe I'll look into that. I've always wondered what it was like."

Elaine: "You know, you don't just get to nap for an hour and when you wake up, you're all cured. You have to answer questions. Hard ones, too, not just wether you'd like fries with your *Big Mac*."

George: "I think I'd still try it. Do the coupons expire?"

Jerry: "Nah, it's just like making a deposit. The guy's practice gets sold when he retires, but the money still accumulates interest, just like at the bank, and that covers any inflation that might come along to raise the guy's prices. If I were you, I'd try for a volume discount."

George: "I just may do that. What if you don't like it? Can you cash them in?"

Elaine: <Chuckling, both at the idiot and her own joke> "Yes, but the penalty for early withdrawl *is* withdrawl."

George: "How can he do that? Oh, what, you're pulling my leg again, sister?"

Jerry: "No, for that you'll need a chiropractor."

George: "What is it, 'Pick on the bald guy day' or something? Do I have 'fuckwith' written on my forehead, is that it?"

Elaine: "Trust me, it's written all over you."

George: "Damn it, I knew it. My parents said that was just a phase I was going through. As with many things in life, they were wrong again."

Elaine: "Wouldn't you like to take a vacation right about now?"

George: "Ever taken a vacation by yourself, Elaine? Because it isn't pretty. They always look at you funny when you check into a motel, alone, and ask for a king-size bed."

Elaine: Why do you need a king-size bed anyway?"

George: "George needs his space, Elaine! Serenity now!"

Elaine: "Somewhere else, now! I'm trying to watch the show."

George: "Besides, I can't afford to take a vacation. There's a rumor that they're going to switch stadiums, and you know how it is when you move - you get rid of everything that you don't need."

Jerry: "That happens, you're out for sure."

George: "Tell me something that I don't know."

Elaine: "Your shirt's on inside out."

George: "No, that I know. I figured that out when I couldn't find the buttons."

Elaine: "Dammit, would you be quiet? Here, I'll give you - four dollars, that's all I have right now, just shut up."

<George takes the money, starts to say somthing, Elaine wags her finger at him, and he stops>

Jerry: "Do I get four dollars, too?"

Elaine: "You *just* heard me tell him that I only had four dollars."

Jerry: "I'll take an IOU."

Elaine: "How about I talk dirty to you, instead?"

Jerry: "No, he'll hear, and then he'll have that plus the $4.00"

Elaine: "Oh, alright, here."

<Elaine whispers in Jerry's ear, Jerry alternates between being shocked and smiling, George leans closer trying to hear>

Jerry: "Can I help you?"

George: "You can tell me what she said later."

Jerry: "Cost you $4."

<George hands the money to Jerry>

Elaine: "Give me my $4 back."

George: "I don't have your $4. He has it."

Elaine: "No, he has *your* $4. You have my $4."

George: "I'll have to owe you. I spent it on a membo."

Jerry: "You know, she wasn't talking dirty at all. She bet me $3 that I couldn't get you to talk. I can't believe that I made $7 for just sitting here."

George: "$7? How? You still owe me a dirty story from Elaine. That's bound to cost you at least that."

Jerry: "I just said that I'd tell you what she said, I didn't say it was dirty."

George: "You screwed me!!!"

Jerry: "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

George: "Obviously it was $7 better for you."

Jerry: "So, is this the *first* time that you got a male prostitute for $4.00?"

George: "You know what this is like? This is like the exact opposite of phone sex. I spend $4.00 for a minutes worth of clean talk."

Elaine: "How much you figure that vacation'll cost you?"

George: "I dunno, maybe $1000, maybe two."

Elaine: <To Jerry> "Lets take up a collection."

Jerry: "You want me to pay for his vacation, now? You know, I never did get that weddding present back."

George: "You want your cheap-ass blender back? Come on by. I got a hundred of them. Tried to return them, but I didn't have the receipts."

Jerry: "Why didn't you ask the people that gave you the stuff?"

Elaine: "Ooh, I need a blender - can I have one, too?"

George: "Cost you $8.00."

Elaine: "Why eight? You only owe me four?"

George: "I want my original $4 back."

Elaine: "Oh, the $4.00 I gave you for *not* talking, you doofus? Listen, I'm serious about that vacation thing."

Jerry: "What on Earth could possibly posess you to want to buy him a vacation. He's been talking all night, now."

Elaine: "Don't you see? That's the point! To get *rid* of him."

Jerry: "I'm with you, now. Before, not so much, but now..."

Elaine: "We take up a collection, split 3 or four ways. It's worth $500 to me to have a George-less month. Cheaper than my analyst, anyway."

Jerry: "Okay, I'm in for one share of 'No George.'"

George: "You guys are serious? All I have to do is stay gone a month, and you'll pay for it?"

Elaine: "If you show up before the month's out, or if one of us has to drive to like Tijuana to post bail, the deal's off, got it?"

George: "Yeah, sure. How hard could that be, right? Sounds good to me."

Jerry: "I'll hit Kramer up for his share when he gets back from the dentist."

<Enter Kramer, sliding>

Jerry: "How's the tooth?"

Kramer: "Better now, no thanks to you. And I didn't have subway fare, so I had to jump the thing. The cop almost got me, too, I think he recognized me, Jerry! I'm a marked man."

Jerry: "Speaking of marks, Elaine and I were thinking about sponsoring a little vacation for our friend George, and we thought that you might want to get in on this."

Kramer: "You want me to chip in, after chipping my tooth? If anything, you should be paying for my vacation, too."

Jerry: "Nobody told you to eat that popcorn, you know!"

Elaine: "Jerry! I think you're missing the point, here.They share a motel room and the 'All you can eat' buffet. I really think our per-doofus vacation dollars would go a lot further here!"

Jerry: "A grand for a month of doofuslessness? I don't know, it sounds kinda pricy, to me."

Elaine: "But just think - it's like a vacation for us, too. Just think what we could do without worrying about being *interrupted*."

Jerry: "This isn't like what we just did to George, is it? Where he thought you were talking dirty, but you're really not? She hasn't bet any of you that she could get me to pay for your vacations by talking dirty to me, has she?"

Kramer: "Not so far as I know. George?"

George: "I assure you, I am *bet free*."

Elaine: "I like the way this worked out - You two get a free vacation, Jerry gets - what he wants, I get a solid doofii-free month..."

Kramer: Wait - what's in this for Jerry?"

Jerry: "I get to - I mean, she's - we're..."

Kramer: "Oh, that's nice! Elaine, is George really so bad that you're willing to prostitute yourself? I can't believe I'm hearing this."

Elaine: "It's okay, Kramer, I was going to let him, anyway. Putty dumped me for a twenty year old chickie he met at the car show. Spokesmodel for *Caddilac*, can you believe *that*? Like *he's* going to be able to keep with a twenty year old Cadillac-petter from Kansas City. Sonya - sounds like a *hookers'* name to me..."

Kramer: "What's this guy thinking? A Volvo, maybe, but a Cadillac is waaay out of his league."

Elaine: "And hers."

Jerry: "So if you were going to let me anyway, do I still have to pay?"

Elaine: "Do you want them gone for a month, or do you want them barging in here, stopping things *midstream*, getting free *peeks* like they're always doing?"

Jerry: <Mumbling> "Gone, I guess." <Angry> "Hey - you bastards better have been looking at her!"

<Elaine socks Jerry in the arm>

George: "Oh, yeah. Kramer?"

<Everyone looks at Kramer>

Kramer: "What? <pause> I've already seen all of her." <Goofy grin>

<Switch to a TV commercial of a guy passed out in a canoe full of empty beer cans being pulled by a girl in a bikini>

Jerry: <to the TV> "Oh! Would you look at this? Who ever heard of 'The Men's Journal'? What do they have, articles on like, scratching yourself? How to barbecue?"

G: "Look at this! This is great! This is like the magazine of my dreams!"

E: "You do realize that there's not a chance in hell of this actually hapening to you, don't you?"

G: <pause> "It could happen."

E: "It could not, dufus."

G: "Jerry - tell her it could happen."

J: "Yeah, sure George, sure it could happen."

<Jerry takes Elaine aside>

J: <whispering> "What's the matter with you, Elaine? Don't you realize how dangerous it could be to yank his entire belief system out from under him like that?"

E: <also whispering> "He believes in that?"

J: <whispering> "I did, too, until that day my dad told me. It was like Santa Calus all over again."

E: "I thought you were Jewish?"

J: "Well, *now* I am, but when Santa still existed, I believed in *him*!"

G: <hangs up the phone after ordering> "Can you believe it? I ordered, I haven't even got the first magazine yet, and already it's got me a date!"

E: "What? With who?"

J: "This isn't like that mail-order bride from Russia that Kramer ordered, is it?"

G: "With the magazine operator."

E: "That was quick!"

J: "So *that's* why they call them operators."

K: "Way to go, buddy."

E: "Wait a minute - that was an 800 number."

G: "Yeah, so?"

E: "She - it was a she, wasn't it?"

G: "Sounded like a she."

E: "You don't know? Why'd you ask her out?"

G: "Been a while, Elaine."

E: "You must have something in common?"

G: "That's the beauty of it - we've got 'The Men's Journal' in common!"

E: "George - she *works* there. That doesn't mean she *reads* it. Idiot."

G: "She's into the canoe trip - that's something, right? We're going on a canoe trip our first date."

E: "Remember that 800 number thing we were talking about?"

G: "Yeah."

E: "That means that she could live anywhere!"

J: "And there's no canoeing around here! Ha!"

E: "You get her number?"

G: "Yeah."

J: "You get her area code?"

G: "I just assumed - "





What happens next?

A) George sees an ad on TV during the Ms. America pageant, and buys a subscription to 'Mens Journal' so that the operator will go out with him. Add the part about the woman who pulls around the passed-out guy in a canoe. Maybe she works and lives in the same place - like a sweat shop.

Jerry: "Who does these things? Swimming with polar bears now? What, the dolphins weren't dangerous enough?"

The magazine inspires George to buy a beat-up RV with a 'King of the Road' bumper sticker and take a well-deserved vacation.


B) Elaine's book is really popular at first, and then gradually the people that bought her book discover that they can't find what they're looking for, because they can't spell. Either they all get returned, or she has to produce an index to her book, with all the different misspelled words and the corresponding correct spellings.  "It's the only book that ever went from first to last on the NYTimes best seller list."  "I didn't even know there was a last on the NYT best seller list!"


Story Ideas:


Include the story about George tying up a woodchuck to the swing set, swinging it back and forth and shootin' at it with a bow and arrow.

George: "My dad said that it didn't have a sporting chance.  I said, 'Here, you try it. It's hard!' but apparently that wasn't good enough."

Jerry: "What happened?"

George: "He whooped my ass and broke the bow."  (maybe have his dad make him stand in one of those plastic rings that came with the lawn darts while Frank threw lawn darts in his general vicinity or something else analogous to the William Tell story.

Elaine: You were shootin' at it? What a horrible thing! Didn't you ever have any pets when you were young?

George: "I had a guinea pig."

Elaine: "Yeah? How did it die? Ya' torture it, too?"

George: "I think I fed him too much, and he got stuck in the little tube that led between his house and the little wheel. I called 911, and those bastards just laughed and hung up."

Kramer: "How'd you get him out?"

George: "I hooked it onto my fathers leaf blower. It launched him like the human cannonball at the circus. Voom! Never would have thought."

Elaine: "Obviously."

George: "He hit the ground and took off running. I yelled, but he just kept on going. Never saw him again."

Or maybe George gets a collar for the gerbil with his name on the phone number at the insistence of Kramer, and when it gets launched out of the tube, it lands on the hood of a guys Buick, dents it, he brings it back for the reward and for the damage bill.


On the subject of the outdoors:

The Snitpitch:

I've pitched a tent, but never a snit?


On the subject of dating:

Jerry: "C'mon, you guys have got to help me! I've only got like two days. Well, what do you think I should get her?"



Already used above in this story...


On the subject of pets:

G gets an ugly foster dog, but he doesn't know that it isn't ugly, and slowly comes to the realization that no one is coming to get the dog. Add the Foreign dog / the pound-kilogram joke...

Jerry: "Hey - when you adopt a poodle, are you saving him from the pound, or the kilogram?"

Elaine: "Who are you, Steven Wright all of a sudden?"


One of Jerry's (or maybe Kramers) friends goes away on a business trip, and he's watching the dog. The guy decides that he likes it there, and asks J/K to pack up all the stuff, including a pit bull, and send it to him.


On the subject of cooking around the campfire:

George: "Who buys those brown eggs, anyway? Frankly, I'm scared of them."

Kramer: "You know what you are? You're a poultrophobe."

Newman: "It isn't what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts."

Elaine: "I think it's just plain racist, discriminating against eggs based on the color of the shell."

George: "So now you're saying that eggs are a race of their own?"

Elaine: "Several, actually."

George: "Well, I think that's completely wrong. When we start assigning minority status to the food groups, we start down a slippery slope."

Jerry: "Nah, just a bit eggcentric, that's all. When we cook 'em, they're going to be burned to a crisp like all the rest of this crap, and we're going to throw it away and go to the nearest Denny's anyway, so just get on with it already."

George: "I wish we had some sausage to go with these."

Kramer: "I've got a sausage connection, but he got busted casing a pig farm."


Old ideas I haven't found a use for yet:

Kramer's cat wins the lottery, and helps George find his real parents.

Turns out that Elaine's nephew is staying with her for the summer while

his parents tour Guam, and he's selling her lingerie via the internet. He scents

it with this cheap crapweasel perfume that her father gives her each year so she has a

whole closet full of the stuff, and the only thing that George remembers about his real

family is that his mom and sister used to smell just like this. He traces the this stuff

(perfume) to a German bakery (real world rears its real ugly head here - mom and Tammy buy

Tosca from this German bakery - have for as long as I've known...). Turns out that there's

been only one customer all these years for the perfume, the only reason that the guy at the bakery still stocks it...


[an error occurred while processing this directive]